Who am I looking for / waiting for / open to? Romantically I mean. I want love, but what does that mean? I know it when I see it has proven to be my main approach, and admittedly so far this hasn’t worked too well for me. Regardless, every life experience brings lessons, so I do think I progressively add some structure to this part of life, as in identifying things to look for and things to avoid. At the same time, I don’t want to totally think about it like that because it seems a bit boring or counterproductive to the idea of falling in love. This might just be the romantic side of me. Maybe I should be thinking about love. As someone who claims to think an awful lot, I actually do very little thinking in romance, and perhaps that’s a problem.
The first words that come to mind when I think about love are feeling, passion, care, comfort, desire – things like that. I initially view / viewed love as an emotion and an affair of emotions between people. Of course, practically speaking, a loving relationship will eventually take on many mundane day to day shapes since we still need to live life and go about our business. So at some point I guess there’s a fusion of emotion with something that’s a little more like discipline / intentional decision to put the wind in the sails for the longer term. Which is fine and good as a theoretical framework, but how do I get to the point where I am spending time with someone I like and start integrating those connections, making those decisions that set a long-term foundation?
Obviously, to get there there needs to be a partner. Question one, do I want a partner? Short answer, yes. Longer answer. My life is pretty great already as it is, in the sense that if I had to live on this trajectory (romantically alone) for the rest of my life, I would have a satisfying experience. I am making progress on personal goals, I have time to read and learn about all kinds of stuff, and I am generally free to follow my curiosity / appreciate the world. I think sometimes that it would be cool to have someone to share more of that with, but it’s not necessary. But would I prefer to have someone? Yes, and the confirmatory question to ask is: If I were with a solid partner and moving along in life, would I have recurring thoughts that it would be nice to not have someone and just be alone, and I don’t see myself saying yes to that. So, the right partner will be additive if they can be found, but otherwise my life will be good enough. Emphasis on a solid partner, or compatible one, or whatever the right word is. A wrong person will ultimately wreak havoc, in which case it is definitely better to be alone. Drama, petty / overly insecure mindsets, lying, etc is not itself additive, it is negative. Of course, I’m referring to these things as being part of the average state, not absolutely lacking because no human relationship is without its set of frictions.
Conclusion 1: being open to love is risky. I may just let the wrong person into my life, and then this pretty good thing I have will be worse off, but if I let the right person in it will be better. Uncertainty and risk taking – I am not new to this world. Less risky if I were really good at judging people in the lens of being romantic partners, which I am not. When it seems that there is potential between myself and a woman, I do think I am not at my most rational. Perhaps overly optimistic which in the world of gambling leads to excessive or unsmart risk taking. Not to go on too much about this, because I’m here to play and know risk is part of the program. Can I derisk this process at all? I think yes (hopefully yes), and that requires deeper reflection.
For one, I can reflect on past experiences, real data points. What was it about the women that have fascinated me that rooted them in my mind? I know that I didn’t know. We make our first impressions and shortly after some interaction or conversation, I’m like ‘that’s interesting’, ‘that’s different’, or ‘that’s not what I was expecting’. Then, I’m kind of hooked, definitely intrigued. I like to know stuff, and when I don’t it’s in my nature to be curious. Even in friendships or in people watching, I’ve always been intrigued by different. This is on top of generally having positive feelings around this person and finding them attractive. What do I mean by having positive feelings? I like women that smile and show joy, it makes me smile too. Life feels more invigorating when I focus on the positive. I like women that are kind, intelligent, and self-aware. And probably my weakness, I like women that show interest in me and what I have to say.
At the end of the day, most of the qualities I like in potential partners I like in people generally, but I don’t want to date ‘people generally’. I want to build with a specific someone with the reverse implication that they want to do the same with me. I have a lot of random thoughts and interests. I wouldn’t say I pride myself in these thoughts, but they are important to me as a gateway of sorts in exploring the world. It is of great importance that my partner is receptive to this part of me. I don’t need them to care about every single thing, some is plenty. Some of my thoughts are really stupid, but part of the fun is tossing those out and polishing the better ones. I (like everyone else) wear a lot of hats so often it’s not appropriate or there isn’t time / space to express myself. It’s meaningful to me when that space for expression and reception does exist. I have my blog which is nice, but anything that’s nice via text or on a screen is almost always better when experienced with another person.
Conclusion 2: If I feel chemistry with someone, I need to be better about knowing when it is that and when it is not that. For this thing to exist it doesn’t suffice that I see it, the other person needs to see the same thing, or we both need to acknowledge that based on what we are seeing we at least think it’s the same thing we’re seeing (though it may not be but that’s a future problem). Basically, it takes two to tango. I don’t know how to know, so I think the prudent course of action would be to progress at a reasonable pace and if my feelings are perpetually confirmed then adjust my thinking, but not to adjust my thinking too quickly after one or two meetings. It’s a bit funny to think about being prudent in romance, but it’s worth a shot. When the majority of people I meet are quickly written off, and then a person appears that stands out, I let myself get carried away in overweighting the viability just because they are literally in my life now – so I need to try to keep more of the holistic perspective.
Among my good traits, being above average in physical / conventional attractiveness is not there. I’m not the type to get complimented on my appearance (admittedly I could try harder but still). For the most part I think I hover around average which all things considered is a fair place to be. While I don’t think it is the most important thing when it comes to dating / matchmaking, when you are total strangers, attractiveness is one of the few metrics you have. Why am I sharing this?
It’s really more of an observation that goes hand in hand with my more recent determination to progressively lead more with my authentic self. These things together, on average, I think reduce the space / volume for people willing to spend that extra time, have that extra conversation, or think the extra thought that could lead to romance. Why does being authentic reduce the space? For one, I’ll speak for myself, I actively choose to do things to fit in with others for the sake of fitting in. If I were to stop doing these things or do less of them, it makes sense there would be less people around me. So partly it’s this principle applied to romance. Secondly, I would describe my authentic self as niche in that not many people naturally gravitate to it, and at best it can be an acquired taste. I should also say that I am not that persistent in getting people to like me – I strive to make a good first impression / general first impression over initial encounters, but convincing someone that I’m worth spending time with just doesn’t sound logical. All to say, this is my rough understanding of the situation as it stands today, and if it became imperative for some reason to find someone I know there are things that can be done to increase that probability, but do I want to do those things? Right now, no.
I don’t expect anything good or worthwhile in life to just spring into existence without personal effort. So, I am putting in effort in terms of exposing myself to chance encounters, attending social events, etc, and probably reserving most of my effort for when there is an actual person in my life that warrants it. In a way, I guess love is an opportunity. In the world of opportunities, you don’t know when they are going to come, if at all. If they do, often if you are not prepared you will not recognize an opportunity as an opportunity and let it slip away. So, one thing I can work on is being prepared, and when the opportunity of a lifetime comes my way I’ll be ready to act. If no such opportunity comes, I will have tried what I thought was a reasonable amount and will look to appreciate the things I did have in my life, and yes probably with a tinge of bittersweetness, mostly bitter, but not too heavy, just enough. Anyway, we’ll see what happens – one of my favorite phrases that captures the general uncertainty of life.
