I was listening to an EDM youtube / mashup mix at work, and my ear caught on to the bolded part of the lyrics below.
“I’ve been talking to ghosts and asking for help
I’ve given more love than I could show myself”
Talking to Ghosts – WE ARE FURY and Nikademis SOUNDR
The lyrics have a tinge of sadness (better when listening than reading). There’s a bit of the world isn’t fair in there. There’s a bit of I try so hard but others don’t try for me. There’s a bit of I just need more love. Then there’s sort of the overarching question of why. Why is it that I have given more love than I could show myself? As if one is wishing that were not the case.
This lyric resonated with me because I had a similar thought around the time of my past birthday. As the date approached, I was sort of thinking to myself what should I do? I would like to do something (separate from the family time / gathering which is always appreciated). Then I thought, wait a second, I care about some people, and when it is the birthday of people I care about I definitely do try and put in effort to make a reasonable show of positive affection. Why don’t I do that for myself? In other words, why do I show more love to others than the love I show myself?
Why indeed. The difference between me and the song above though is that I had an answer. Instead of thinking in a sad way, the logical conclusion was that I should show myself more love. It was a pretty funny and slightly exciting feeling to realize. If people I care about deserve my love, then 100% I deserve my own love, because I care about myself. Even more, if I don’t show myself love it is actually a bad thing. I am in the best position to take care of myself, and not doing that is negligent.
Long story short, I decided to write myself a birthday card. I thought it was so cool because it was weird enough that for sure I felt a little stupid, but mostly motivated with purpose. The important part was that I had to take it seriously. I am serious when I buy cards for others, so I need to be the same way when choosing out my card. And I was. I drove over to a local stationary store. I walked to the card wall, and I took my time reviewing the different cards. It had to have the right aesthetic and message aka simple and to the point which is how I try to be. Not too many images. Not too many colors (unless they meshed really well). The words had to feel like they belonged together. Of course, in my style, I did not find the perfect card, I found a perfectly good enough card and that is the one I bought.
Naturally, the contents I wrote are from me for me, but you get the point. Interestingly, it was after this experience that I started to form new habits – positive ones. It’s nice and well to love yourself on your birthday by writing a card, or on any other of several discrete occasions. Wouldn’t it be even more powerful and cool to love yourself most of the time (I am not a big fan of absolutes)? I think yes, and apparently Thoreau in Walden thought something similar.
How do you love yourself most of the time? In general, you prioritize yourself. You still handle responsibilities and care for others, but you make sure you’re good first then do that. Also, here, a sacrifice then really is a sacrifice and not the norm, which I think reveals a part of its truer virtue. If it’s the norm, I don’t think we should call it a sacrifice, it would be better called not taking care of yourself.
Example, for 2-3 months before my birthday I had a sort of semi-conscious awareness / frustration that waking up and going straight to work was not a good system. I think at work, so most days I don’t want to do too much thinking once I get home (or at least I was not disciplined enough to do so). This meant that overall I was doing less of what I enjoyed, which is reading and writing. I would maybe read a couple of hours a week based on when I felt like it – pretty random. Writing even less than that. I am working on a book separate from this blog – and progress was atrocious (now it’s just bad).
I realized instead of working first and taking care of myself after, I should switch the order. I am a morning person and do my best thinking when I’m fresh, so I decided to start waking up earlier and reading 1-1.5 hrs in the morning every day before work. Now, I’ve reclaimed the best part of myself for my benefit. Plus, I almost always start the day doing something I legitimately enjoy which makes it easier to approach the rest of the day with a good attitude. Feels like more consistent / present self-love.
Historically, I’ve been pretty good at doing things, but with little focus on how I felt doing things. I am newer to exploring this more intentional self-love thing, but it seems like something that can elevate life, and definitely something I plan to continue exploring.
